Update on me

Many people, family, friends, doctors, nurses, fellow employees, all ask me how I'm doing. They get the same answer that I give when someone asks in passing how Kinzie is doing today - fine. I'm not trying to blow people off; I just truly don't know how else to answer. I'm sure they don't want to hear what I'm really feeling and so for lack of a better word, I say "fine." My good friend Jodi, who has an 8 year old with Aicardia (sp?) syndrome has had 8 years to figure out this answer and posted these two sources. Chronic sorrow accurately describes my feelings these days. Some days I rejoice in seeing other babies growing and developing and other days I simply turn off the computer and hide inside the house trying not to cry because my baby doesn't do that. "Welcome to Holland" is a great short story (very short, please read now) that also shares how I feel. Please read it before continuing to read this post so that you will better understand the feelings that follow below.

Everyday is a constant struggle to just suck it up, realize that life will never be what I thought it would be and to make the best of it vs. Satan's effort to sink in despair and saddness. I truly believe that certain spirits were so special in the life before this that Heavenly Father did not want to risk them not returning and/or that other spirits were so righteous that they need not come to this life and be tested as the rest of this. Regardless, I also know that I will get to see my little Kinzie perfectly healed in the next life and that she will be exalted on high! Having said that it doesn't take away the mortal feelings of hurt and saddness that she is missing out on the opportunities of this life that Emma for example has. It also doesn't take away the hurt of missing milestones that other parents get to enjoy with their baby and child. I love my little girl with all my heart and am so glad that she survived and I know that she will continue to teach us a whole new aspect of love but I know it will take time since I am human to continuously see the better side of our situation rather than the glimpses I get on a good day when I'm feeling up to the task. So in an effort to answer the question, "How am I holding up" I hope this helps to understand just what "fine" means to me these days. Thank you everyone for helping us through this.